This is a partial drama, one without a full conclusion -- it is a QUESTION that must be answered by either a sermon, or a short homily, discussing what seekers of truth, seekers of comfort really need. Our religious expertise, or our love and compassion? This script takes a realistic (and yet comical) peek at what mourners generally GET, not what scripture says they SHOULD receive. Who is more important, us, or God?
(two wise men enter with upset woman between them)
WOMAN:
I want to thank you both so much for meeting me here. You don't know what this means to me.
LEGALIST:
It was our pleasure. You can call on us any time.
SECTARIAN:
That's why we're here, to help. It's our duty, and our responsibility.
WOMAN:
Well, you both just seem so wise, so well-balanced and . . . and... (she waves her hand, not sure how to express herself)
(together the men get her a chair and then pull chairs up for themselves)
LEGALIST:
(helpfully) ...and...?
SECTARIAN:
(helpfully) Go on . . . WE ARE... you were going to say...
LEGALIST / SECTARIAN:
(glancing at each other,nodding, in unison) RIGHTEOUS?
WOMAN:
(confused) Huh? Oh, um, no. Actually, I was going to say that I don't know any other men.
SECTARIAN:
(a little abashed) Oh . . . well, anyway. So your problems. Well, you know, at work, um, WORD has a way of getting around. We know about your financial problems...
LEGALIST:
And we know that your husband is . . . um, sick.
SECTARIAN:
(leaning into her, confidentially) If you need a good lawyer, I know a guy...
LEGALIST:
(leaning close) No. If you need the name of a good doctor. A LOT go to my church.
WOMAN:
(confused) Huh? Oh, um, no. Actually. It's about my SPIRITUAL condition that I wanted to talk to you.
SECTARIAN:
(excited) Oh GOOD.
LEGALIST:
(supremely confident) You have definitely come to the RIGHT place.
WOMAN:
You see, I just haven't been happy the last 10 years or so. I mean, I just feel empty. Like nothing means anything. Or, everything means nothing. You know what I mean?
LEGALIST / SECTARIAN:
(they lean forward look around the woman at each other knowingly, then look back to her, answering in unison) NO.
WOMAN:
Well I've tried everything. The psychic hotlines made me feel pretty good for a while.
(the men react with varying shades of horror and disgust, but she doesn't notice)
WOMAN:
(continuing) Alcohol seemed to help, for a few years. And marijuana really was soothing for a while. And then I tried the harder stuff. And I tried men . . . well, A LOT OF MEN.
(the men react with indignant superiority and borderline hostility, looking at her now as if she is a complete low-class piece of dirt, but she doesn't notice)
WOMAN:
(continuing) And I mean absolutely nothing has brought me any peace. So it seemed like Someone was trying to get through to me, for the last few years, and I thought maybe it was time I tried Jesus instead of all the other stuff --
(long, loooooong pregnant pause -- the two men look at her, they look around her at each other, and then they launch into their vicious attack)
LEGALIST:
Ok, let me be frank, Little Miss. You are a long, long, LONG way from God. The Bible says that if you draw near to God, He will draw near to you . . . so where you've been straying, let me tell you, you're a couple of light years away from where God is sitting, and it is going to take a lot of time, let me tell you...
(woman looks shocked, and visibly withdraws from him, backing a little toward Sectarian)
SECTARIAN:
And what you need is counseling, Little Sister. You need some knowledgeable shepherds around you to teach you discipleship, to teach you the traditions of the fathers, to beat the Word of God into your thick coconut skull...
(woman looks truly horrified, and visibly withdraws from him, but not wishing to get any closer to Legalist she backs deep into the chair, crossing her arms protectively over her chest)
LEGALIST:
But even before any kind of so-called counseling, you need to make some effort to get right with God. You need to struggle. You need to overcome. You need to kick your drug habits. And you need to start doing GOOD. In a year or two of hard labor, THEN maybe God will be willing to look your way. Because you are a mess. In fact, I know this great boot camp, they can start gluing your messed up broken life back together again...
WOMAN:
But can't I just...
SECTARIAN:
Sshhh, this isn't the time for you to be talking, Little Sister. You need to LISTEN, because from HEARING the Word of God comes FAITH. But forget that silly boot camp idea. You need to start coming to my Bible study group, where we completely skip all the frothy milk, and get right to the MEAT...
LEGALIST:
(scoffing) Yeah, MEAT. (to woman, confidentially) You'll find that a lot of THEIR meat is filled with worms. It's rotten meat.
SECTARIAN:
I heard that!
LEGALIST:
I'm sorry, but I had to say it. You "United Lord Buddies" are a cult!
WOMAN:
But can't I start out slow and --
SECTARIAN:
(snapping at woman) Would you shut up! (jabs a finger at Legalist) You're acting in a very unChristlike way, and I wouldn't talk about CULTS, you guys all worship the LAW, and besides, I'm not even a United Lord Buddy!
LEGALIST:
United Lord Buddy -- Joint Sheep of the Congregation, what's the difference?
SECTARIAN:
I'm not a Joint Sheep either!
LEGALIST:
So a Boggswallion, same thing!
WOMAN:
(so upset she's about to cry) Can't you guys help me?
LEGALIST / SECTARIAN:
(in heated unison) STAY OUT OF THIS!
SECTARIAN:
You don't know ANYTHING. I'm not Boggswallion, I'm Nondenominational!
LEGALIST:
SEE! Exactly what I said. You guys are so poor in spirit you can't even afford a denomination!
SECTARIAN:
(snarling) Yeah? Well, when you're roasting in eternal hellfire --
(suddenly both men FREEZE -- they go instantly still, not moving a muscle, caught mid-snarl, fingers pointing in accusation, hands blocking the woman like a barricade)
WOMAN:
(looking back and forth between them, not knowing which is worse, then looks at audience) Man! I had absolutely no idea that "coming to Jesus" would be anything like . . . (looks at both men again in horror) . . . like THIS!
(she extricates herself from their frozen snarling bodies as they loom over her, ducking beneath their pointing fingers and angry postures, and goes directly to the source, skipping the proverbial middlemen, beginning a dialogue with GOD)
WOMAN:
(continuing, pacing, looking into the sky) God? Um, Lord...? You know how filthy I am. You know where I was, just last night. (putting hands to her head with a headache) And You know all about my hangover right now. You know about the drugs, the filth, and just exactly how worthless I am.
If what these guys are saying is true, I'll never be able to know You. In fact, the thought has been growing and growing in my head, that the only thing left for me to do, is go home and take all 37 of those sleeping pills I've been saving, one by one for the last year, under my sink.
(near tears, completely hopeless) There's nothing! (whispering) Nothing. (mouths silently) NOTHING.
(suddenly looks up, shocked) What? Huh? (looks around, there is nobody there, except for her two frozen fiends, um, friends) God? Is that You? (listens) You're actually talking to me? But I'm so filthy, I know You don't want --
(listens) Huh? You WHAT? You accept me, right now? I mean, with all the filth and stuff? (listens) You LOVE me? But HOW can You?
(listens) I've never in my life felt that Someone loved me this much! It's not at all like what these guys were saying! (listens) Really? You mean they're BOTH nuts? (listens) Well, I kind of thought so, but You know, they both are always talking about You and stuff...
(listens) What did You just call me? DAUGHTER? I'm Your daughter? (smiles hugely, as she fills with peaceful emotion and love) Oh, God, I'm so happy. You've taken all the terrible things in my life and turned them into something . . . so . . . BEAUTIFUL!
(begins exiting) And You promise that You'll never leave me? Wow, I believe You. That You'll always be with me! (smiling and laughing) You don't know how happy I am! Well, okay, I guess YOU know! (exits)
SECTARIAN / LEGALIST:
(instantly thaw, still in rage mode, they slam their slanders back and forth like a violent tennis match) You LEGALIST! PHARISEE! CULTIST! Devil Worshipper! DEMON!!! SATAN!!!!!
(suddenly they notice the woman is gone, they react in shock and amazement)
SECTARIAN:
What in the world! Where --
LEGALIST:
I have no idea! (picks up chair and shows bottom of chair to Sectarian)
SECTARIAN:
(cautiously peeking under chair) Nope, she's not there.
LEGALIST:
WEIRDEST thing I've ever seen. You know, I get the feeling she was a . . . uh, um, you know, a WITCH, or something...
SECTARIAN:
Yeah, I was getting that feeling too. She went and got all Harry Potter on us! I mean, look what she did to US!
LEGALIST:
Yeah, and with us, Brothers in Christ. It was like she cast a spell or something...
SECTARIAN:
Well, it's for the best. I'm glad she's gone. I mean, I sure don't want anyone like that in MY church.
LEGALIST:
Huh! You think I want someone as low as that in MY church? Just think of all the trouble she'd start.
SECTARIAN:
(beginning to exit) Yeah, but anyway, what about that Bible class this Tuesday? You going to be there?
LEGALIST:
Of course! (they put their arms about each others' shoulders) Brother, you know what they say: Man cannot live by bread alone...
SECTARIAN:
...but by every Word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God!
(they exit, smiling, at peace with God and the world)
__________________________________________
Completely free Christian scripts, sketches, mimes.
Always a parable. Storytelling making the difference.
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