(husband and wife come walking up aisle, wife is a bit more excited than husband, but he is obviously GETTING AT SOMETHING, hopeful and a little disbelieving — wife is wearing bathrobe and a towel on hair)
HUSBAND:
Well this is definitely one of the most exciting things that have ever happened to you…
WIFE:
(so excited is a little sarcastic) ONE OF THE MOST exciting things?! You have GOT to be kidding! This is the chance of a lifetime! This miniseries on ABC is MY baby! I get to call all the shots!
HUSBAND:
(laughingly, a little hopefully) Well, our wedding was pretty exciting!
WIFE:
Don’t be ridiculous! They are two COMPLETELY DIFFERENT things. This is the dream of a lifetime, what I’ve been working for all my life! And it just drops into my lap like this! I mean, our wedding was beautiful, of course…
HUSBAND:
Of course…
WIFE:
(begins to apply make-up) I can’t believe it! Do you know that I get to call ALL the shots? I get to place everyone, from bestboys and gaffers to director and all the stars!
HUSBAND:
(skulking behind his wife, growing more and more upset) It’s . . . great. You’re really lucky. I’m . . . really . . . happy for you…
WIFE:
(so caught up in her own thing that she completely misses the growing animosity) I get to place the most famous people in the world! This is really a great chance God has given me — I mean, US. To tell the story of Peter and Paul for national television!
HUSBAND:
So who are you getting for Director?
WIFE:
Um, I can’t quite remember his name. But he’s that guy who directed that movie you love so much. Um. What movie was that? You know the one about the piano player that giggles like a little kid?
HUSBAND:
(amazed) Are you talking about AMADEUS?
WIFE:
THAT’s it!
HUSBAND:
YOU GOT MILOS FOREMAN TO DIRECT YOUR TV MOVIE?
WIFE:
Isn’t that great? Apparently he’s friends with the Smiths, owes them a favor. But we’re still paying a pretty penny for him…
HUSBAND:
I can’t believe you got Milos Foreman for your movie…
WIFE:
I’ll see if I can arrange for you to meet him…
HUSBAND:
(a little nastily) Well THANK YOU…
WIFE:
(missing all the sarcasm and the loaded feelings) You’re welcome! Isn’t this exciting? This is our big break?
HUSBAND:
Yeah. (mumbling to self) OUR big break. (loud to wife) What about your lead actor? The one who’s playing Peter?
WIFE:
Oh! Only the most HANDSOME man in all the world! That is, (glancing at her husband) IF he says “yes” to me…
HUSBAND:
(a little embarrassed, but tickled too) Oh. Really? And have you, asked him yet?
WIFE:
Well, I was just about to ask him, but I’m worried he’ll think this production is a little too silly for his great talent…
HUSBAND:
OH JUST GO AHEAD AND ASK HIM! OF COURSE HE’S GOING TO SAY YES!
WIFE:
You really think we have a chance of getting Tom Selleck?
HUSBAND:
TOM . . . SELLECK! (gets up and starts pacing, nervously putting hands through hair, cracking knuckles, pacing like a caged animal)
WIFE:
If he says yes, maybe I can get his autograph for you!
HUSBAND:
(really upset) Great. Just great. Thanks so much!
WIFE:
You’re welcome! It’s nothing, really.
HUSBAND:
(mumbled) I agree, I agree. (loudly to wife) Okay, let me ask you — what about the screenplay? Who did you get for the script — which, you know, is the most important part… (mumbled) My specialty.
WIFE:
You . . . are . . . going . . . to . . . be — SO — EXCITED.
HUSBAND:
(a rush of excitement) Really? (begins to smile)
WIFE:
I think this is really going to be your big chance?
HUSBAND:
(shining with smiles) It is? Really? Finally?
WIFE:
Yeah. I think your big break is here!
HUSBAND:
It is? Cuz you've been killing me, really killing me!
WIFE:
You are just going to love me!
HUSBAND:
(ready to explode with joy) I am! I am!
WIFE:
(slyly, loving the whole game) What, don’t you love me now?
HUSBAND:
(practically jumping) I do! I DO!
WIFE:
I got William Goldman to write the script!
HUSBAND:
(incredulous, upset) WILLIAM GOLDMAN!
WIFE:
I knew you’d be excited! I’ll get his autograph for you!
HUSBAND:
(about ready to blow) THANK YOU! NO REALLY, THANK YOU!
WIFE:
And if you’re good, maybe I can arrange for you to MEET him…
HUSBAND:
(speechless, pacing, faster, faster) But… But…
WIFE:
What, honey?
HUSBAND:
William Goldman, what does he have to do with the Bible? Sure, he’s a great writer, but what am I?
WIFE:
(concentrating on make-up, completely oblivious to the madness she's creating a few feet away from her in her own husband) Oh, you’re a pretty good writer…
HUSBAND:
I mean, your own husband is a writer, and you completely overlook me for the script! (strangling the air, seething, stomping, close to blowing a gasket, suffering a nervous breakdown)
WIFE:
Ah, but William Goldman has won two Academy Awards! OSCARS! I thought about giving you the chance to write it . . . but see, the unique angle we’re taking on this story, we need the very best scriptwriter in Hollywood. This is the most hush-hush project in Hollywood right now. Everyone on the set has to sign a disclaimer that they won’t speak to anyone!
HUSBAND:
(going very still) Why, what’s the big secret?
WIFE:
(just about finished getting ready) I guess I can tell my husband. See, with the new movement in Hollywood, we think we can draw the most viewers to this network movie if it’s controversial. So we’re playing the angle that the Apostle Paul and Peter were gay…
HUSBAND:
WHAT! What are you doing! You can’t be serious! You can’t do that to the Bible! There's absolutely no suggestion of that, no hint, it's just completely made-up, fabricated, a Biblical "Will and Grace..."
WIFE:
Exactly! Isn't that creative? I knew you'd love it. Because we have to be politically correct you know! But that’s why it’s such a big secret. If NBC or CBS or even FOX got word of it, they’d all try to beat us to the punch. (she removes her bathrobe and walks backward to husband) Here, zip me up!
HUSBAND:
(behind her, mimes choking her) I’d LOVE to zip you up… (zips her up)
WIFE:
Well, I’m off to the studio!
HUSBAND:
Just give me a second to put some things together. I guess I can read a book on the set, or something . . . (sarcastically) maybe start collecting autographs…
WIFE:
Oh, I’m sorry honey. Silly! No outsiders are allowed on the set! (she gives him a peck on the cheek, turns to rush from room) Don’t forget to do the laundry! And vacuum too, okay?
HUSBAND:
Yeah, I’ll just stay home and do the laundry. And vacuum, too. While you go off to the studios and play with Milos Foreman and William Goldman — and Tom Selleck… I can’t believe this! I can’t believe she got sucked into all this Hollywood stuff . . . and so easily. And now she’s corrupting the Bible! AND IGNORING ME! How DARE she do this to me! She doesn’t even care… (he picks up the cordless phone) Hi. I need to talk to an NBC exec…
(exits, seething)
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Always a parable. Storytelling making the difference.
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