(Lawyer enters, pacing, in soliloquy, and steadily grows more and more agitated, losing confidence by the minute, as he awaits judgement)
LAWYER:
(pacing) Everyone thinks this has got to be the worst nightmare there is — you know, this waiting around. The Big “J” Day. But not me. Hey, I studied to show myself approved. And I know the Law, oh yeah, I know it better than anybody.
So this isn’t so bad. I’ve got it in the bag. (looks around at audience) What? You don’t believe me? I’ve already told you: I KNOW THE LAW (tapping chest proudly).
I’m the best, in court. You get in trouble? You want ME. Because I’m the one that can help you. I don’t care how sleazy a crook you are, I can get you out on bail the same day. I don’t care if you’re guilty or innocent, because in the law, that’s not the point. It’s who ya know, you know?
And you WANT to know me. (getting more nervous, putting hands through hair, adjusting clothes, checking breath) Because I’m the best. Yes, sir, I AM THE . . . (thoughtful) …best? (grows suddenly afraid, drops head, near tears)
(snaps head up) You don’t think I’ve heard the jokes? I have. What’s a hundred lawyers at the bottom of the sea? (pacing, addressing different members of the audience) Huh? You know that one. Let me tell ya: A GOOD START! Get it? A hundred lawyers at the bottom of the sea is a good start and let’s throw all the rest of ’em in, too! Get the job done. That’s what people want?
Hey, you know what? Lawyers love to tell these jokes more than anyone. Like why doesn’t a lawyer have to worry if he falls into shark-infested waters? They’re not going to bite him out of professional courtesy. (sarcastically, on the point of weeping) OH HA! HA! HA!
Yeah, all the jokes are funny, and everyone tells them — yes even us lawyers do too — and all the jokes are funny, and you know what else? They’re all true!
(pacing faster) Yes, I admit it. I’m dirt. I’ve gotten people out of jail that really needed to be there. And I’ve helped put people in that didn’t deserve to be there. That’s the law, you know? That’s how I feed my family, and maybe I’m not proud of it — oh why lie, why lie now? Of course I’m proud of it. Sometimes I didn’t even do it for the money, but just for the ego gratification of it all!
But what am I going to do NOW? Who’s going to help . . . ME?
(suddenly laughs) Nonsense. I was just kidding. Just now. You know, just pulling your leg. Yanking your proverbial chain. Ha ha ha. A little humor never hurt anyone, did it? (laughs) Well did it? (gets angry, thundering) DID IT?
(stops suddenly, listening) Did you hear that? (cocks head to one side) Listen! Shhhh. (listens) Nothing. It was nothing. I guess I’m just a little tense.
(collecting himself, convincing himself, shaking off the previous fear) But you know, I’m an expert of the law. I know the law frontways backways sideways upways and downways. I know ALL the loopholes. It’s all about rules, you know? Our whole society! EVERY society. Rules and laws. They have to be followed, don’t they? And really, all the rules and laws were made to be broken!
Because you can’t keep them, not really, not in your heart. So all of us have to come up with tricky little ways of getting around all the rules, going you know, five miles over the speed limit, that’s acceptable isn’t it? Nothing wrong with that? And if you start to slip into six or seven or eight miles an hour over the speed limit, what’s the big diff?
(yanks on hair) Man! I’m in big trouble. There’s no way out of this. This judge is supposed to be the strictest. Really mean. Doesn’t budge an inch. (whirls on audience) But what do you all care, anyway? Huh? I’m just a stinking laywer. An attorney! Who cares! Serves him right! He deserves everything!
I’m going to prison! And I deserve it. I’ve broken every law, and I loved doing it, I took great pride in breaking every one. And now I have to meet the judge. It’s not fair. (thinks, and snickers) It’s not fair, is it, that everything has to end up fair! What kind of free will is this, anyway? You choose to keep the rules, and you’re an A-OK Joe and you get your annual bonus like clockwork, but you choose to break the rules and you have to go straight to hell, do not pass GO and do not collect TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS.
(listens) Oh no, oh great, this is it. (pauses, listening, finally swallows loudly in one humungous GULP) Here comes the judge…
JUDGE:
(enters, in billowing robes, carrying a gavel like a hammer) All rise!
LAWYER:
(trembling, falls to knees, begins whispering) Mercy. Mercy. Please. Mercy, Your Honor…
JUDGE:
(commandingly) Please stand up.
LAWYER:
(can’t meet judge’s eyes) Please! Have mercy on me!
JUDGE:
Do you have anything to say in your defense?
LAWYER:
(begins to rise, gaining a little confidence) Well, yes . . . I guess there are a few points… (thinks about it a moment, knows all the tricks will do no good, then shakes head, collapsing to the ground before the judge) NO! I have no defense. I’m guilty. I admit it. I admit it all! I’m no good! I’m a sinner.
JUDGE:
(frowning) And is that it? Is that all you have to say?
LAWYER:
(weeping) I’M SORRY. PLEASE FORGIVE ME. I’M A SINNER. I REALLY STINK.
JUDGE:
Yes, you are a sinner. And yes, you DO stink. Really, you do stink. But I forgive you.
LAWYER:
(looking up) You what?
JUDGE:
I forgive you. You can stand up. I forgive everything.
LAWYER:
But do I still have to go to prison?
JUDGE:
No. All your lawbreaking is forgotten.
LAWYER:
No prison? But what about a fine? I mean, you DO expect me to pay some fines to have all these things go away, and maybe some community service to clear a few of the debts?
JUDGE:
Your record is clean. You can go.
LAWYER:
(stands) You’re serious? I can go? But how can I show my appreciation? I mean (smiling) this is wonderful, the most wonderful thing I’ve ever experienced! What do you want me to do?
JUDGE:
Well . . . I DO expect you to live your life differently.
LAWYER:
(literally dripping away the tension, ready to faint in relief, sooooo happy) Anything you want me to do, I’ll do it.
JUDGE:
The best way to thank the judge is by treating everyone you know the way you want them to treat you. Start thinking about them before you think of yourself. If they need help, HELP them.
LAWYER:
(wiping eyes) I can do that. Really. I don’t even think I’ll mind…
JUDGE:
(they begin to exit) Stick with me. Get to know me. Study me. I’ll be your role model. And some day, perhaps a long time from now, you also will be a judge, a generous, a merciful, and a LOVING judge…
__________________________________________
Completely free Christian scripts, sketches, mimes.
Always a parable. Storytelling making the difference.
Soldier On. You were created on purpose.
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