UNRESOLVED -- note: this is symbolic, not about auto-prosperity, but about how anything troubling of this world does not compare with what we have inherited, through no effort of ours!
(Wife and husband sitting at kitchen table, going through bills, wife is growing more and more excited, opening bills, while husband, reading newspaper, withdraws into deeper and deeper angry silence)
HARRIED HOUSEWIFE:
(sorting through envelopes, shaking head) Oh boy. (long pause, counting bills) Oh boy. (longer pause, putting bills in piles) OH BOY.
DISGRUNTLED HUSBAND:
(reading newspaper, peeks over top, looks at wife, quickly goes back behind newspaper) GRUNT.
HARRIED HOUSEWIFE:
I’m telling ya, Alfred. We gotta DO something about these bills…
DISGRUNTLED HUSBAND:
(lowers newspaper, scowling) Yeah. Okay. I know — maybe I’ll just make some more . . . MONEY… (goes back loudly behind rattling newspaper)
HARRIED HOUSEWIFE:
(considering his words, nodding — ripping open first bill) You know, I think that’s the best idea. If we could just increase your weekly salary by about — oh, maybe $200 — we could (looking around at imaginary furniture) get rid of all this worn-out, worn-down, tattered furniture…
DISGRUNTLED HUSBAND:
(GRUNT.)
HARRIED HOUSEWIFE:
(reading Bill #1) Oh boy. OH BOY. OH BOY!
DISGRUNTLED HUSBAND:
(looks over newspaper top, glaring daggers, raises eyebrows, like: “Now what?”)
HARRIED HOUSEWIFE:
This is just the worst news. I had no idea our finances were this far down the tubes.
DISGRUNTLED HUSBAND:
Honey. I make enough money to pay about half the bills every month.
HARRIED HOUSEWIFE:
But look at this bill (holding up Bill #1) — it says they’re going to turn off our cable unless we pay up by this Friday.
DISGRUNTLED HUSBAND:
Put that in Pile #2.
HARRIED HOUSEWIFE:
Pile #2?
DISGRUNTLED HUSBAND:
(sighing) Prioritization. Pile #1 is Extreme Need. Pile #2 is Moderate Need. Pile #3 is They’re Patient and We Can Let It Slide One More Month. Pile #4… (goes back behind newspaper)
HARRIED HOUSEWIFE:
What’s Pile #4?
DISGRUNTLED HUSBAND:
(from behind newspaper) Pile #4 means it’s going to the collection agency.
HARRIED HOUSEWIFE:
(considering) Hmmm. Yeah. That’s a pretty good system. But I think the cable bill should go into Pile #1.
DISGRUNTLED HUSBAND:
(grunting) You better open the phone bill. It goes into Pile #1. Cable bill goes into Pile #2.
HARRIED HOUSEWIFE:
(opening Bill #2) Cable’s pretty important, Ralph. We need it to get the religion seminars, you know. Otherwise we’d have to go to the church. (reading Bill #2) Oh boy. Phone is going off on Wednesday.
DISGRUNTLED HUSBAND:
(from behind newspaper) Pile #1.
HARRIED HOUSEWIFE:
(moving on to Bill #3, muttering to self) The new couch has been on lay-away for a whole year . . . by the time we can actually move it into our house, it’s going to be “the OLD couch!”
(reading Bill #3) Oh boy. OH BOY. OH BOY!
DISGRUNTLED HUSBAND:
(slamming down newspaper) Would you cut it out with the “OH BOY!”
HARRIED HOUSEWIFE:
(waving bill) But is THIS what our lives have come to? Getting further and further behind. I already have to watch the Caller ID like a hawk — it’s like the only people who call are collection agencies!
DISGRUNTLED HUSBAND:
Don’t I work hard? Don’t I put in overtime? I guess I could take ANOTHER job, maybe work evenings. Or, you know, YOU could go back to work. Most women DO work today, you know, and I’m sure we're not too proud for you to maybe take a part-time job…
HARRIED HOUSEWIFE:
(as husband goes back behind newspaper, housewife slams down bill into pile) Pile #4!
(she moves through succession of bills) Car payment! Car insurance! Credit card! Another credit card! Oh Boy! (catches herself, looks guiltily at husband who does not stir behind his newspaper) Sorry about that (said sarcastically). I meant to say: “Goodness Gracious!” Our utility bill has the red bar on the envelope, which means ANOTHER Pile #1! And ANOTHER credit card bill!
(picking up a big manila envelope) And what’s THIS? A giant bill? Hmmm. A giant bill from Denmark! (intrigued, tears open envelope) Who in the world is Haglamena Larsen?
DISGRUNTLED HUSBAND:
(lowering newspaper) Hey! My Aunt Haglamena! Or Great Aunt. She moved to Denmark when I was just a kid! You know, she was a funny old woman. Most people in my family would describe her as a “funny old hag!” (laughing)
HARRIED HOUSEWIFE:
She just died.
DISGRUNTLED HUSBAND:
(abruptly ceases laughter) Ooh. Well that’s too bad. You know, she used to force me to read the Bible to her, for hours and hours, and she would correct EVERY word I read wrong. But man, she was an old lady when I was a little kid. She must have lived to be about 175!
HARRIED HOUSEWIFE:
(in shock) OH BOY.
DISGRUNTLED HUSBAND:
What? NOT ANOTHER BILL! Don’t tell me they forwarded on Aunt Haglamena’s bills to us! I’m NOT paying ANY more bills!
HARRIED HOUSEWIFE:
No. Not bills. OH BOY!
DISGRUNTLED HUSBAND:
You mean it’s WORSE than bills?
HARRIED HOUSEWIFE:
Your Aunt Haglamena left you some money…
DISGRUNTLED HUSBAND:
Well it can’t be all that much — I mean, she was only about five feet tall! Plus it's probably Danish money, I don't even know if that's real money, would we have to go to Denmark to spend it? Denmark's full of vikings, what would be buy? Helmets with horns? Spears? Dragon boats?
HARRIED HOUSEWIFE:
It’s a lot. I mean, it’s A LOT!
DISGRUNTLED HUSBAND:
Danish money. A lot of Danish money.
HARRIED HOUSEWIFE:
In American money! AND A LOT OF AMERICAN MONEY!!
DISGRUNTLED HUSBAND:
(sounding not so disgruntled) What, like a thousand bucks? Wow! That’ll almost catch us up with this month’s bills!
HARRIED HOUSEWIFE:
No. I mean, you must have really put a lot of inflection in your Bible reading! Your Aunt Haglamena left you THREE HUNDRED…
DISGRUNTLED HUSBAND:
(back to disgruntled) Three hundred bucks? Well THAT’s a laugh! That will cover the car payment!
HARRIED HOUSEWIFE:
NO. THREE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-FIVE . . . MILLION . . . DOLLARS!
DISGRUNTLED HUSBAND:
(mouth falls open, accidentally rips newspaper in half) You-you-you mean $375,000,000 DOLLARS, like in American DOLLARS? I mean, NOT Danish money?
HARRIED HOUSEWIFE:
American. And this says it is $375,000,000 dollars AFTER taxes! They took the taxes out and it's still $375 MILLION! And it says if we don't collect it today, with interest tomorrow it'll be $378 MILLION!
DISGRUNTLED HUSBAND:
Whoa! No way! I mean, this wipes out ALL our bills! Even the mortgage!
HARRIED HOUSEWIFE:
And I can finally get my new furniture?
DISGRUNTLED HUSBAND:
No way — it means now you can get the new furniture you REALLY wanted! And we can finally take a vacation! And I don’t have to take a second job!
HARRIED HOUSEWIFE:
And I don’t have to go back to work!
DISGRUNTLED HUSBAND:
It means that I don't have to go back to work either! Sweetheart, we can HAVE IT ALL! (rises to embrace his wife)
HARRIED HOUSEWIFE:
(jumping up, supercharged and laughing) Oh Ralph! (they hug) If we want, we can have it all TWICE!
(exist ecstatically)
__________________________________________
Completely free Christian scripts, sketches, mimes.
Always a parable. Storytelling making the difference.
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