(as suggested by Eric Pichot)
(two job applicants enter and find chairs at the front)
QUALIFIED JOBBER:
(confident, a little bored) Well, this looks like the place.
UNEMPLOYABLE BUM:
(worried, uncertain) Uh, well, yeah, I guess.
JOBBER:
(suppressing amusement, barely, looking over the bum) So . . . you here for the job, or for the free coffee?
BUM:
(looking down at resume) Uh, well, I’d like to get a job, you know. I’ve never had one before.
JOBBER:
(getting a little snobbish) Good. Now maybe I won’t have to support you by paying your WELFARE check!
BUM:
(starts in surprise, and looks at Jobber with gaping mouth) You’re the one whose been paying that?
JOBBER:
(sighs and rolls his eyes) I DO have to pay taxes, you know.
BUM:
Oh. (realizes Jobber has been teasing) Oh, okay. Well, thanks for all your . . . support.
JOBBER:
My . . . pleasure, really.
JOB RECRUITER:
(entering, checking clipboard) Well, well, well! My last two candidates of the day!
JOBBER:
(standing up, making the best impression, studied at doing EVERYTHING right) Well hello, sir. I’m so excited about meeting you, and giving you the opportunity of interviewing with me today.
RECRUITER:
(shaking hands with both) No, really. It is MY pleasure. So good to meet you both!
BUM:
(hardly able to meet Recruiter’s eyes) Thanks. Uh, maybe I better leave, I’m not sure if I’m in the right place, you know...? (stands up to leave)
RECRUITER:
(gently pushes Bum back down in chair) Oh, you’re in the right place. Why don’t I have a little peek at your resume...? (takes resume from bum)
(begins pacing, reading out loud — Bum sinks lower and lower in chair, becoming more and more ashamed, and Jobber goes from amusement, to disgust, to downright hostility as he hears the Bum’s history)
RECRUITER:
(reading) Hmmm. A troubled youth. Juvenile detention. Oh boy. Dropped out of high school in the sophomore year. (brightening) Ah good, just recently received your G.E.D. (eyebrows going up, glances at Bum) I DO appreciate your honesty in this . . . RESUME. Let’s see. Trouble with the law. In and out of correction facilities. Not much work history here, is there? There is the one job at Burger King — didn’t last too long, though . . . was it a lay-off?
BUM:
Uh, not exactly. (long pause) I got fired.
JOBBER:
(shaking head, tired of hearing all this) Excuse me? Can we get to MY resume now?
RECRUITER:
(holds a hand up to Jobber) Just a moment, please. (continues reading) It does appear you have made an effort just lately to turn around, doesn’t it...?
BUM:
Um, trying, I guess. Haven’t done too good, though?
RECRUITER:
(continues reading, grimly, not too much hope) Well, we do appreciate effort, you know. (turns resume over)
RECRUITER:
(continued) (eyes finally catch something surprising) Oh, and what’s THIS? (smiles hugely, looks at Bum) Congratulations! You’ve got the job!
BUM:
(jumps up, terribly excited) You’re kidding aren’t you? Do I REALLY have the job?
RECRUITER:
(beaming) YES YOU DO! CONGRATULATIONS! In a moment I’ll take you to your new office!
BUM:
(screams in pleasure) I can’t believe it! This is wonderful!
JOBBER:
(in disbelief) Man, they’ve gotta be kidding. I’ve gotta be a SHOE-IN if they’re going to hire someone like (frowns at Bum) — THIS!
RECRUITER:
(to Bum) If you’ll just wait right over here, I’ll take you to your office and introduce you to your secretary in just a moment. (turns to Jobber) Ok, let’s take a look at your resume, shall we?
JOBBER:
(shaking head, grinning) Well, if you feel you HAVE to. But I’m sure you’ll find it a little different than the LAST resume you had to read.
RECRUITER:
(glances at resume) Oh, this looks wonderful. Very professionally done. You must have taken it to one of those high-priced resume services.
JOBBER:
(stifling a yawn) Why no, I did it all myself...
RECRUITER:
(continuing reading) Very good, a straight-A student all through elementary and junior high. Wow, about the best prep school in New England too. This all looks wonderful. Hmmm. Look at this, two summers spent by invitation at the Sorbonne in Paris! Did you like France?
JOBBER:
(making wagging gesture with hand) Ah, comme ci, comme ca! Mais OUI!
RECRUITER:
(grinning, with an accent) Formidable! Excellent. This resume deserves to go up on a wall somewhere! Fascinating reading. Let’s see, graduated Yale with honors, with doctoral work at Oxford. My my my. And a SECOND degree at Princeton University?
JOBBER:
Well, it seemed like the right thing to do at that time...
RECRUITER:
(can’t takes eyes off resume) And a Rhodes Scholar as well! But it looks like your work experience is even BETTER than your education!
JOBBER:
(shaking off the compliment) One does what one must! The nose to the grindstone, and all that!
RECRUITER:
INDEED. Management with IBM. Directorate with AT&T. Vice Presidency with Ted Turner. Did you ever meet Jane Fonda?
JOBBER:
(off-hand) Oh, sure. A shame, about the divorce.
RECRUITER:
Currently the CEO of Microsoft!
JOBBER:
(looking at watch) And if we could hurry this up — I’m meeting ole Bill for golf in one hour.
RECRUITER:
Bill Gates?
JOBBER:
Of course. And Chuck, too. Ah, CHARLTON Heston, that is. I’m also honorary Creative Consultant to the NRA — the National Rifle Association.
RECRUITER:
I have to tell you, this is the finest resume I’ve ever read, EVER! It’s hard to believe someone could have such a platinum record...
JOBBER:
I visit terminally ill children at the hospital in my spare time.
RECRUITER:
Incredible. Superlative. A fine record. Irreproachable! You have done much. (continues reading, then looks all over resume, turns it over, searching, searching, searching, frown increasing)
JOBBER:
Something wrong?
RECRUITER:
Ah, no, no, it’s just... (continues searching, shaking head)
JOBBER:
What? What? WHAT!???
RECRUITER:
(shaking head sadly) I’m sorry. But I’m afraid this is just not going to work out. I thank you for your time, but we must conclude our interview.
JOBBER:
(jumping to feet) Are you crazy? I don’t get the job? But I’VE NEVER BEEN TURNED DOWN BEFORE!
RECRUITER:
(smiles courteously) Thank you for your time. (hands back resume and instantly turns toward Bum) Well, are we ready to meet our new office?
JOBBER:
(incredulous, outraged) THIS IS CRAZY! You’re giving this bum a job and turning me away?
RECRUITER:
(slowly turns back to Jobber) I’m so sorry . . . but you see, (taking up Bum’s resume) this resume has something yours does not.
JOBBER:
What, a felony conviction?
RECRUITER:
No. You see, it has this... (shows resume to Jobber)
JOBBER:
(snatching away resume) What! What’s this? A signature? So! I can get you a million of the best signatures. FAMOUS signatures.
RECRUITER:
But not THIS signature. It’s the signature of the Boss.
JOBBER:
Oh so what! With everything I’ve accomplished, all the hard work, the years of self improvement — you’re going to give the job to some bum because of the Boss’s signature?
RECRUITER:
Yes. Yes I am. And you know, there isn’t a six-month waiting list. You can get to know the Boss, too — today even —
JOBBER:
Really? Well THIS is what I think of your bizarre hiring practices! (rips up Bum’s resume) There, now where’s your signature, huh?
RECRUITER:
It’s already been scanned and is permanently in our database! Only this person here (gesturing to Bum) can choose to have it removed...
JOBBER:
(marching out) Well good luck! Your company is going to go belly-up with hiring practices like this!
RECRUITER:
(turning to Bum, smiling pleasantly) Well, there’s an office door with your name on it just down the hall! Are you ready?
BUM:
Oh yes! I’m so excited! I’ve never had an opportunity like this before! I just hope I can do good!
RECRUITER:
Oh, with the tools the Boss is going to give you, you’re going to do GREAT!
JOBBER:
(returning, a little abashed) Uh, listen, can I speak to you for a second?
RECRUITER:
(looks up with renewed interest, smiling) Why sure, what can I do for you?
JOBBER:
Sorry about my little temper tantrum, but — but all my previous work experience? Nothing is satsifying, nothing lasts, it is all just so, I don't know, TEMPORARY. I've been wanting something permanent. I mean, um, forever? Yes, forever. And this looked like my kind of job. And you say I can meet this Boss, get to know Him?
RECRUITER:
Yes, you can. Today.
JOBBER:
And that will assure me of a job? A permanent job? With lasting significance? I mean something REAL?
RECRUITER:
Yes. Yes it will, all of that is true — it’s the only thing that I will assure you. You MUST have a relationship with the Boss.
JOBBER:
(thinking about it) Okay. Yeah. I’d like to meet Him.
RECRUITER:
EXCELLENT! (takes both recruits by the arm) You BOTH are going to love it here. The benefits are great, and you can take a vacation any time you want!
(they exit, smiling, excited)
__________________________________________
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